Sverige-klamydia grotto..?

"du kan kola ut i föstret på pippi fåglerna om du ville"...
Famous last words I heard as I stood there with my jeans by my ankles holding apart the old japseye and getting a long glass rod inserted up there with a cotton bud attached..
Now then..I can't really describe the feeling I felt and to be honest concentrating on the "pippi's" didn't really help as Nurse Diesel was doing her stuff.
I've had my nose cauterised when i was young as i had some dreadful nose bleeds which wouldn't stop and that always left me with a distinct smell of burning flesh 24/7..I only imagined napalm for some reason.
But this sensation was new and worst, oh yes, much worst..Especially as I was only there for a checkup with a problem that we sportsman often face (no details...).
But somehow I ended up in a booth under interrogation regarding how many partners I had slept with, names, dates and rank.I felt I'd been caught by the Nazis..I was basically told I was a liar as I repeated that I was with one partner only and hadn't spread the seed (and at this point awaited the good cop bad cop routine).
Then I was put through the glass rod routine and whilst pulling up my jeans the "results" briefly looked under a microscope as I asked what the frikk they were on about.I had never heard of this plague and was very naive.The answer came immediate:
"oh yes, there seems to be something here...yes..."

Bloody hell was my immediate reaction.I was then taken back to the interrogation booth and basically the look I received was "we knew you were lying Mr British "come here and spread your seed" man..Same questions again, same answers and the threat that "it is the LAW that you must tell us!".The results would be sent to me officially and the Gestapo would be collecting me again if displeased by the answers I gave based on the results.

So I trotted home with a rather uncomfortable feeling somewhere up the root which felt like I had a broken razor blade up there and moving around..and confronted my then girlfriend who of course presumed that I had been playing Casanova in the town and I wore dinner..

I went through two weeks of hell.The bedroom felt like a scene from Richard Attenboroughs "Sleeping bears of the Siberian Winter" and I had become accustomed to making my own dinner as opposed to wearing it.

Two weeks later the results came through.

Results showed that I did not have the plague.Clean..Negative..Nothing..

It was all a mistake but I still get weird when asked for "Topps"...

áyé